meliss007

so today....i decided i'm going to update this journal weekly, at least for the sake of interacting with people more. seems fair enough. although i'm completely annoyed that i can facebook allll day at work but livejournal gets the big red hand - as in, the site is BLOCKED.


right now i feel like taking a marker and drawing circles over every area that needs to lose weight. just like a plastic surgeon would. i like to fantasize about plastic surgery but then reality sets in because i know it is crazy expensive and i would be the freak accident that dies on the table. that sounds pretty morbid.


i need outttt of manhattan so desperately...only 8 more days until i head to Arizona to visit the sister and my newborn nephew Brody :) sunshine and relaxation but then i'm guessing i'll be desperate to get back here. i was in hoboken, nj this weekend and felt anxiety because manhattan was a river's width away. i could see it but i wasn't IN it.

oh and i was riding the subway today and realized how freaking tall i really am. i'm 5'11" fyi, but today there must have just been an overwhelming amount of short people on the train. it was slightly awkward.

These last two years have been crazy and I need to get back to this group...I almost forgot I had such a supportive community of lovely women. I read through my few posts I made a while back and realize I have come a long way and I'm in such a better situation.

In the time that has passed since I was an active member here, I have graduated from college, and moved from Ohio to New York City. I've been in NYC for about two months now, and this city couldn't be more encouraging to drop weight. Forget about celebrity thinspirations, every where you walk there is someone who looks better than you. I'm interviewing for jobs and still apartment hunting with friends, and so this situation is really not ideal for spending money. This works out in my favor, as I would much rather spend money on clothes than on food. If I run on more than 1000 calories a day, I'd be surprised. And with the amount of walking I do around here, it has to almost cut whatever I take in, in half.

So this is just the beginning of my return, and hopefully I won't wander away again...

finally getting back to school and getting back on track with eating. or lack there of. i hate summers and living at home when i can't really do my own thing so i'm pretty psyched to get back to school- for my last year ever. yikes. maybe i should just go on to grad school...either way i'm happy to be back in this community :)

soo excited to start the 2468 diet tomorrow! i'm kind of nervous because i'm going to fast in between the days, so its going to take a lot of strength and will power to do that, but i'm determined. i feel more involved in the community now by posting a lot more instead of just reading posts. it has really made me more committed to losing weight and i just really want to devote everything to it. giving in to this ED has made me see that i can control things in my life and i feel more like myself now that i'm constantly monitoring everything i eat. i really can't wait til i'm living completely on my own where i don't have to grocery shop if i don't want to!

pretty much, in one year i will graduate and have my degree, and if it all works out i'll be moving to NYC or LA to officially be an adult and on my own. and then i can really test myself by living on my own and keeping literally no food in my apartment. i just want to be in a big city, where soo many attractive people, models and celebrities are that will just motivate me even more! living w/my 4 roomies this year and the next are fun, but i really want to be on my own in a completely different place.

but in the here and now, i can gradually ease into this committment to drop weight by learning the strength to do things like this 2468 diet. i just hope i can make it!
i've got a new pic up of mischa...i absolutely love her and she is my thinspiration for everything. i'm also loving sophia bush and all the weight she has lost too, and of course i can't forget lindsay lohan who i just saw in the movie Just My Luck. those 3 girls are my total thinspiration when it comes to body image : )

before i go to bed tonight i have to just let this out. i know a lot of girls in this community are in relationships, which should mean something. it means someone else finds you attractive and wants to be with you the way you are, regardless of how you feel about yourself. but i'm not in a relationship and haven't been since high school, and that was 3 years ago. now i'm 21 and still have never said "i love you" or found that person i want to be with, even if it is just another relationship and not the end all be all relationship that ends in marriage. my only explanation is that no one does find me attractive, which just pushes my self-esteem and body image to an all time low. it makes me hate the way i look so much more, without someone in my life who is so attracted to me.
family and friends will always like you no matter what you physically look like (usually) but its this other person in a relationship that makes you feel desired. and without that i really know why anyone would look my way.
i just feel so sad and depressed because i've finally realized why i can't be in a relationship right now: i can't stand my appearance so much that i wouldn't want anyone else to have to look at me, and i wouldn't be able to understand why someone actually would find me attractive. i really envy the girls here with boyfriends who can look at them and truly think they are beautiful. that has to make you feel somewhat good inside and satisfied with how you look. i'm just still waiting for that.

my birthday is coming up sooo soon and so i'm starting a fast tomorrow! nothing at all if i can help it until friday. my roommate's birthday is on may 5 and mine is may 7 - we're having our joint b-day party on friday night and then saturday at midnight i'll be going out to the bar, so i will definitely need to eat on friday and saturday if i'm going to make it to my 21st! but until that food is absolutely necessary to soak up alcohol, i'm sticking to liquids so i can look and feel good on my birthday!

i kind of have a general question for everyone. do any of you ever feel like you're so alone in this? i wish i had someone physically close to me who would understand everything, because i can't seem to find enough strength on here sometimes and it makes me feel so weak.

we all have this community to vent on, but other than that the majority of us rely on ourselves to resist temptation and encourage ourselves and sometimes it just gets so hard! i'm really frustrated, even though i'm at the best point of weightloss in a long time. isn't that weird? shouldn't i feel better?

i'm home on spring break and absolutely hate it. my parents always make big dinners and want to take me out. i wish i was back at my apartment at school where i control my meals and portion sizes. at least they work during the day so i don't eat anything really until dinner. sigh. its only monday and i have until saturday to go back. I just want it to be spring quarter, turn 21, and not have to live at home!!